blah1200

As of 9 am on Thursday Toby the Mexican white Schnauzer passed away. We first noticed something was wrong on Monday afternoon when we could not get him to eat his dinner. We assumed due to his teeth and old age that they were rotting away and it hurt him to eat. We tried to give him softer foods he likes like chicken and fish but even his favorite foods still could not get him to eat. My mouth then the night before his passing tried to give him medicine and as he opened his mouth he cried. We knew then something was not right. To make matters worse, he started to shake more and lay his head down like his mouth was sore.  My mom called the vet and left a message Wednesday night saying she was going to take him in the morning to see the vet. She tried to get him to sleep and he was up until 2 in the morning shaking violently in a seizure like state. When she did get a hold of the vet, he met her early to examine him and he said Tobys mass had gotten so big to where it was quite possibly now a tumor, he had gotten blinder and even lost nearly 10 pounds of weight. Poor Toby looked to be in such severe pain that it was at moment my mom decided to end his suffering instead of spending thousands of dollars on bloodwork or teeth surgery. He is in the process of being cremated, and my sister is still getting over the fact that she was in the room with my mom during his final goodbyes. I was in Houston for the rodeo and Galveston while it happened with my dad. I regret not being there to help more but thankful I was able to kiss Toby one last time before his death. He will truly be missed by me and my family as we are struggling to accept he is no longer here. Rudy is still confused and thinks Toby is on vacation as he keeps looking around the house for his big brother. It will take time to get over him but he was the best damn dog, yes he could an asshole and growl at me and people, but at the same time he was so smart and loving. I could go on and on about what a loving dog he was but just typing this journal is becoming difficult on me. I have done nothing but cry for 3 days straight now so if I am still away for a long time this is why. Toby wherever you are, we love you and hope you are finally at peace. We are truly grateful to have spent these last 12 years of our lives with you in it. xoxo

last night i was experiencing some mild chest pain as i was sleeping. woke up this morning to an even more intensified pain between my breasts and below my bra line. my mom makes me call the doctor assuming it was an upper respiratory infection since im crying that it hurts to breathe. when i get to the doctor he is pressing around on my chest and saying if i did not have a cough or any other pain in my ribcage or sides then it was pain related to something else. he then asked if my bra size was effecting it, or my spine. i said no since i have the correct bra size and never get chest pain during back aches. usually just sometimes headaches and my back felt fine. after feeling around on my chest he said i couldve possible sprained my sternum while sleeping or other things but wanted to do blood work to make sure my hemoglobin levels were fine and that my white blood cells were working properly. there could be a possibility that i am anemic, have blood cell problems or worse. freaking the fuck out hoping im ok. they have to take apparently according to my mom 4-5 bottles of my blood and my mom had to rub my head and hold me down while i screamed and shook violently because i was freaking out so bad when they drew my blood. the nurse had to call my mom into the mom because i could not calm down. the large needle had me panicking so severely. i really really really do not do well around needles. i felt mildly dizzy after but not entirely sick to my stomach. i was still shaking afterwards as well. i just hope i can sleep tonight since as i lay on my bed now...im struggling a bit to type this as my arm is sore from the blood work and im biting on my lip to ignore the chest pain. it feels like a hammer pounded my chest or like i have an orange in there that has been freshly squeezed for juice. if that makes any sense? idk... but yeah  

PS: im pissed cus unless this clears up or we figure out whats wrong i cant drink any caffeine which means no coffee. thankfully i can drink hot decaf tea... (i drink only hot herbal or snapple but shit snapple has caffeine NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

well this is just a wonderful jolly old start to the year aint it? the singer of the band "The Cranberries" passed away suddenly yesterday at the age of 46. Im just very startled since I used to listen to her stuff growing up. heck i even sang her songs for a solo audition in high school choir multiple times. my parents saw her live before her band really took off. im just emotional and wish to god it could have been Donald cocksucker ass Trump. all the good people seem to die so suddenly. its just not fair. seriously i want to throw a giant ass party with tacos and everything when Donald drops down dead.  but who knows when the hell that will be? just praying to god we Americans have the common sense not to re-elect him in 2020. knowing how stupid we were to nominate him i wouldnt doubt seeing his ugly ass face only a mother could love in office again.

hope the rest of you all are doing well... just been super busy since the holidays and still wishing i had a damn job. everyone seems to out for the type of positions im applying for in office and its a real pain in the ass. hope to god i find something soon otherwise i literally might at this point get a damn job at mcdonalds. but no i refuse to steep that low with a god awful paycheck. i want at least $7 something an hour but if its a high quality job for experienced computer people like me then id say between $10-15 per hour but really i am not expecting that much for my second job.  also do not want to sound like a gold digger snob with too high of expectations. although i do have high expectations when it comes to finding that special someone in my life and do not expect them to ever come into my life any time soon. i actually am doing fine being single since i seem to attempt to pull into many dipshits anyways. XD well here i go rattling off the walls again.  yeah im gonna go nows im currently freezing my tits off no joke cus its like 30 degrees and dropping down to a low of 13 tonight here in Texas. trying to stay warm. excited cus im making roasted parsnips & carrots with potatoes in a white wine sauce with porkchops and mashed potatoes with chives for dinner. my mom hates parsnips since my grandparents always made them for her growing up. ive been bugging for them all year XD i only get to eat them like literally maybe if im lucky, twice a year. so yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy for veggies