Depression, Really Lost Right Now....

really.........confused... with life.... dont know how to relax anymore. cant remember.... who i was before that job or what i did for fun... it comes and goes... flashbacks... sometimes... memories.... well sorta... i feel like.... it feels so weird... not being at work... i honestly cant remember the last time ive been able to sit down and relax honestly... and im still trying to ....i just feel like a quitter like im running away... and im not but that job... has had me thrown off so bad... i... just... feel lost period..

i.. might... go to a book store tomorrow to buy some books on how to draw realistic art since ive had.... these... ideas/images stuck in my head for while... also had ideas of decorating for Halloween outside... and trying to find a good day.... to upload... the State Fair pictures..maybe... Wednesday idk when because i . just... am starting to go through more therapy right now. because of my anxiety disorder/depression....and... learning disabilites. ive... had since i was very small..... yeah i said it im not ashamed to admit it... .. i... im terrified... of myself..sometimes... because i get mood swings... which i cant control all the time and i get scared. of failing. due... to being criticized of making mistakes... and things having to be perfect from judgement from some teachers... .. talking to people..because... people would scream at me... telling me to go and be reborn and come out right.... wish i could rewind time and my past..and punch all those fuckers in the face who bullied me so bad. but... oh wells... school was a bitch period.... fucking bullies... rather not going into  full details of the worst bullying experiences of my life...

... but... from the time i started 1st grade up through college... yeah.. pure hell... but for this website and those that stood by me through the years... i really honest to god... thank you from the bottom of my heart.... im not trying to sound like one of those pathetic excuses that rant out their feelings like those annoying whiny ass chicks on facebook... i honestly to god... this website has saved... me and helped me get through so many traumatic experiences... growing up... the worst bullying was in high school and god... i just... thank you all for those that were there for me and helped me get through some really tough spots in my life... thank you deviantart for even existing because if it weren't for you guys or this website i... probably... would've been beyond over the edge and idk if i would... even still be here today honestly... but im not giving up on life... i just... am scared..

... and im also not ashamed to admit that im trying really hard not to bawl my eyes out while writing this... its like a combination of happy/scared tears... but ill get through it... perhaps... idk ... just... really not looking forward to more therapy but... yeah... AND NO IM NOT CRAZY/BIPOLAR OR MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE WITH IT... I...JUST... NEED... HELP....